I heard a good analogy today - apparently it's from Bridget Jones' diary. I have read that book, so I guess I must have been happy when I read it because this didn't stick in my mind..
It's something along the lines of your post-breakup life life is like a cone and down one side of it is a line of pain. You are slowing spiralling down the cone and keep crossing the line of pain. The pain line never goes away but the further down the cone you are, the longer the periods between when you cross it. I guess I'm still pretty near the top. In fact I think I may even by spiralling upwards, perhaps my tired brain has mixed its metaphors and thinks getting over this is an uphill struggle? Anyway I'm sad a lot is my point.
There are moments of beauty though. I enjoyed my horse riding lesson again - I even did a couple of (mini) jumps! It was scary and I banged myself in a place that should only be treated nicely.. but it was ace :)
I've also been doing some work - and you've lumped that in as a moment of beauty I hear you cry?!! - well yes, I have actually enjoyed it. I'm a teacher, a new teacher, a new Physics teacher and I really can't wait to start my job this week. Apparently the NQT year is busier than the PGCE year (which was incredibly busy) and I like being busy.
I have to go in on Thursday and Friday for training, so tomorrow is my trial run of getting up early. I've tried easing myself into it by setting the alarm early this morning but not actually getting up. Phase two tomorrow is getting up early but getting ready slowly. Phase three is the real deal on Thursday. I plan to lay out my clothes ready, fireman style and like a good schoolie will pack my bag the night before.
It has to be one of the worst 'first day at a new job' (although I imagine wasp catcher and gynaecologist come pretty close - not sure why I've put those two together). Just imagine - on your first day of work having to stand up in front of 30adolescents who are wishing it was still the summer holidays. Don't get me wrong though - I do love it, teaching is not without it's charm. The kids on the whole are great and the truth is, I love Physics. So talking about Physics all day is O.K. by me. And well just anything to take me out of myself..
So last day of freedom tomorrow. Naturally I need to go and paint my cupboard as I've managed to put off finishing that and I've made a sign of my expectations so I'm going to stick that on my wall. Then I'm going to go to the cinema and watch planet of the apes. I love the cinema.
Wednesday is hump day... it's downhill to the weekend from there on :)
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Friday, 26 August 2011
Best laid plans...
Yup, you guessed it - I did not do any work, nor any painting today. After seeing my ex and the kids I changed from my 'I'm getting over you' pants into my 'I'm going to spend the whole day on the sofa' pants and cried for half an hour. It was wonderful and heartbreaking to see them. They obviously miss me too and there was lots of hugging (me and the kids - not me and the ex, how weird would that have been?!) It was worth it though, even if it did set me back as predicted and even if I did turn to scrubs, the gilmore girls, two and a half men and even will and grace to help me through it. (Later on I turned to beer and tequila). At times like this I generally tell myself things like 'it's going to be ok' but the truth is, it isn't. No matter what, I'm never going to get to be a part of those kids' lives like I was, in fact it would probably be better if I drifted away and let them forget me. How awkward would it be when my ex gets a new gf if I was still seeing them? (Currently the thought of that is unbearable and I'm pretending that's never going to happen).
It has been a steep learning curve I guess. Relationships are so much bigger when children are involved. I would never be in a relationship with a man that already has kids again. It's too messy and too painful (and very hard work). It does make you think though that you have to be so sure before you make a commitment to someone and have children. I'm not their real mother and I feel the loss of them keenly, imagine how my ex must feel not getting to see them everyday.. No wonder he's messed up.
Anyway enough of the negatives. Onto the positives... I sorted out the joining of a book club. My first meeting with them will be on the 26th Sept and I'm to read 'The end of Mr Y' by Scarlett Thomas. So I am very excited about that. The group meets in the local library, which is not without it's charm, but I must admit I was rather hoping they would meet in the pub. The library seems a bit formal somehow. I do like libraries though and I suppose being surrounded by books will provide a suitable setting.
There was a bit of a thunderstorm tonight - I love thunderstorms. The beauty of nature is revealed in the gathering clouds, the pouring rain and the sudden flashes of brilliant blue/white light. It was slightly disappointing though, I think we just caught the edge of it. I've been hoping for a really good one all summer so fingers crossed as not much of summer left now..
Lie in tomorrow! Not sure how Saturday is any different from all the other days I've had off but I still have a sense of the weekend this weekend. Going out tomorrow night too so need to get some beauty sleep, some alarming dark patches have appeared under my eyes. So to sleep, perchance to dream. Hopefully of thunderstorms :)
It has been a steep learning curve I guess. Relationships are so much bigger when children are involved. I would never be in a relationship with a man that already has kids again. It's too messy and too painful (and very hard work). It does make you think though that you have to be so sure before you make a commitment to someone and have children. I'm not their real mother and I feel the loss of them keenly, imagine how my ex must feel not getting to see them everyday.. No wonder he's messed up.
Anyway enough of the negatives. Onto the positives... I sorted out the joining of a book club. My first meeting with them will be on the 26th Sept and I'm to read 'The end of Mr Y' by Scarlett Thomas. So I am very excited about that. The group meets in the local library, which is not without it's charm, but I must admit I was rather hoping they would meet in the pub. The library seems a bit formal somehow. I do like libraries though and I suppose being surrounded by books will provide a suitable setting.
There was a bit of a thunderstorm tonight - I love thunderstorms. The beauty of nature is revealed in the gathering clouds, the pouring rain and the sudden flashes of brilliant blue/white light. It was slightly disappointing though, I think we just caught the edge of it. I've been hoping for a really good one all summer so fingers crossed as not much of summer left now..
Lie in tomorrow! Not sure how Saturday is any different from all the other days I've had off but I still have a sense of the weekend this weekend. Going out tomorrow night too so need to get some beauty sleep, some alarming dark patches have appeared under my eyes. So to sleep, perchance to dream. Hopefully of thunderstorms :)
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Two steps forward, eight steps back
Everyday I wake up feeling a little stronger. A little more like the old me. Still couldn't avoid tearing up during some very cheesy moment in some very cheesy american thing, but hey - I'm getting used to that now. I have been agonising for the past week about whether or not to get my ex's son a birthday present. He has two kids and whilst I seem to miss my ex less and less every day, I seem to miss them more. Having already been through the separation of their parents it seems like fate has dealt them another cruel hand. Truth be told, having a partner that has kids was hard, but I love them and the little boy is eight so I just wanted to get him something.
Anyway I did get him something today (night vision goggles - a tiny part of me wanted them for myself!). I left it at my ex's house, along with a note saying that if he thought it might be confusing, he could give the kid the present from himself (I hadn't put my name on it). Weirdly a small part of me hoped that's what he would do and I wouldn't hear anymore about it. My sister said she thought it might seem like I was trying to find 'a way back in'. Maybe it did seem like that, but that's not what it was.
I shot myself in the foot though as it turns out, because the little boy was told the present was from me, I received a photo of him wearing the goggles (I haven't seen him for what, three or four weeks? He already looks so different *sob*) and at 9.30am tomorrow morning they will all be arriving as I'm to receive a home made thank you card. It's actually painful how excited I am about seeing the kids. My ex... well let's just say that I'll be up at eight doing hair and makeup... but really I'm dreading seeing him because no doubt it'll put me back to where I was when we broke up. Just texting him has set me back several strong steps that I made forward.
It'll be worth it though - the stark reminder of what I had and what I lost. To be with them for a few precious moments - good relationships with children are a thing of beauty, even if bad relationships with adults often spoil them.
And after they have gone, to prevent myself from feeling the loss all over again, I will go and paint my cupboard and do some work.. grrrr! I WILL NOT collapse on the sofa and watch comedy central all day (I'll save that for Saturday).
I did make enquiries into joining a book club tonight. I've wanted to go to one for aaaages and seeing as the name of the game at the moment is to distract myself by having very little free time, it seems like a good move. I'm quite excited - I loved doing English A-level, when we got to pick apart texts and divine what the author meant by this that and the other metaphor. I also think a book group would be full of charm and intrigue.. I bet there's some right characters that go to them! Perfect way to take my mind off things!
Well I guess I should sleep.. nothing says 'I'm not over you' like big dark circles under the eyes! Fingers crossed I survive - if I can get through this, I can do anything.
Anyway I did get him something today (night vision goggles - a tiny part of me wanted them for myself!). I left it at my ex's house, along with a note saying that if he thought it might be confusing, he could give the kid the present from himself (I hadn't put my name on it). Weirdly a small part of me hoped that's what he would do and I wouldn't hear anymore about it. My sister said she thought it might seem like I was trying to find 'a way back in'. Maybe it did seem like that, but that's not what it was.
I shot myself in the foot though as it turns out, because the little boy was told the present was from me, I received a photo of him wearing the goggles (I haven't seen him for what, three or four weeks? He already looks so different *sob*) and at 9.30am tomorrow morning they will all be arriving as I'm to receive a home made thank you card. It's actually painful how excited I am about seeing the kids. My ex... well let's just say that I'll be up at eight doing hair and makeup... but really I'm dreading seeing him because no doubt it'll put me back to where I was when we broke up. Just texting him has set me back several strong steps that I made forward.
It'll be worth it though - the stark reminder of what I had and what I lost. To be with them for a few precious moments - good relationships with children are a thing of beauty, even if bad relationships with adults often spoil them.
And after they have gone, to prevent myself from feeling the loss all over again, I will go and paint my cupboard and do some work.. grrrr! I WILL NOT collapse on the sofa and watch comedy central all day (I'll save that for Saturday).
I did make enquiries into joining a book club tonight. I've wanted to go to one for aaaages and seeing as the name of the game at the moment is to distract myself by having very little free time, it seems like a good move. I'm quite excited - I loved doing English A-level, when we got to pick apart texts and divine what the author meant by this that and the other metaphor. I also think a book group would be full of charm and intrigue.. I bet there's some right characters that go to them! Perfect way to take my mind off things!
Well I guess I should sleep.. nothing says 'I'm not over you' like big dark circles under the eyes! Fingers crossed I survive - if I can get through this, I can do anything.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Virgin Blogger
I feel like in my first post I should spend a few moments justifying why I've decided to start blogging. The truth is that I don't really know why I have. Perhaps it's because I've gone through a big change in my life recently and I'm looking for new avenues to explore. Perhaps it's because I am about to embark on a new (and most likely stressful) career and I'm thinking this could be a good outlet. Or perhaps it's because I see the beauty in the written word and want to become a part of this online culture of sharing your thoughts and ideas with a bunch of strangers..
I don't suppose it matters though, what's important is that I'm here to share and hopefully get something in return.
I have to say that the hardest part was coming up with a name for the damn thing, all the brilliant ideas that I had seemed to have been taken (some annoyingly haven't been updated in over a year!). Anyway I like the one I've got now, hopefully it will be fitting. Brownie points if you know what it relates too (I will try not to be too geeky - I promise).
I'm going through a tough time at the moment. I was in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man and it ended. Truth be told, I'm heart broken and the last few weeks have been particularly painful. It's not just that I miss him - which I do, every second - it's that I feel like all my hopes for future happiness have been crushed. I don't mean that to sound overly dramatic, I just thought he was the one... and now that it's turned out that he isn't, well how can I ever trust that feeling again?
I haven't been single for a long time and it's scary. I generally avoid being single since I'm not very good at it. But it's not without it's charm; I'm still adjusting to the whole idea of being able to do what I want without immediate consideration for someone else but it won't be long until I revel in it I'm sure!
Here are some things that have been getting me through this difficult time:
1. My family - they are wonderful and supportive and I couldn't do this without them. I feel very lucky to have them.
2. The fact that I'm starting a new job shortly - it's going to be very busy and very distracting.
3. I've started horse riding lessons - I absolutely love this!
4. Facebook (sad but true)
5. Sex and the City, Two and a half men and Scrubs. Very ashamed of this but there's nothing like American sitcoms to take your mind off things!
6. Thoughts of maybe moving abroad someday
7. Taking things one step at a time
8. Taking control of what I can control and trying not to think about the rest
9. Putting things into perspective (I always try to do this, doesn't always work but it's good to try).
10. Not being bitter. This has actually surprised me but it's the truth. I thought I would want to punch anyone that looks happy but actually I'm seeing the beauty in all relationships and secretly hoping that everyone around me will get married. Of course I hope that my ex will die a slow and painful death.. just kidding! I genuinely want him to be happy too, I really really do.
It's interesting really and perhaps a sign of how I've matured over the years, or perhaps a sign that the relationship we had was a good one and it just didn't work out as some things don't. Naturally I'm not hoping that he gets married any time soon.. but I want him to be happy.
Okay so tomorrow I need to get up early and clean my car (yeah right!) and go and paint my cupboard (not a metaphor) and sort out some paperwork and posters. Then I'm going for lunch with some friends and then I really really need to do some preparatory work, which doesn't leave much time for facebook and comedy central... hmmmmm....
At least is also doesn't leave much time for thinking and moping! There is some charm in that!
I don't suppose it matters though, what's important is that I'm here to share and hopefully get something in return.
I have to say that the hardest part was coming up with a name for the damn thing, all the brilliant ideas that I had seemed to have been taken (some annoyingly haven't been updated in over a year!). Anyway I like the one I've got now, hopefully it will be fitting. Brownie points if you know what it relates too (I will try not to be too geeky - I promise).
I'm going through a tough time at the moment. I was in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man and it ended. Truth be told, I'm heart broken and the last few weeks have been particularly painful. It's not just that I miss him - which I do, every second - it's that I feel like all my hopes for future happiness have been crushed. I don't mean that to sound overly dramatic, I just thought he was the one... and now that it's turned out that he isn't, well how can I ever trust that feeling again?
I haven't been single for a long time and it's scary. I generally avoid being single since I'm not very good at it. But it's not without it's charm; I'm still adjusting to the whole idea of being able to do what I want without immediate consideration for someone else but it won't be long until I revel in it I'm sure!
Here are some things that have been getting me through this difficult time:
1. My family - they are wonderful and supportive and I couldn't do this without them. I feel very lucky to have them.
2. The fact that I'm starting a new job shortly - it's going to be very busy and very distracting.
3. I've started horse riding lessons - I absolutely love this!
4. Facebook (sad but true)
5. Sex and the City, Two and a half men and Scrubs. Very ashamed of this but there's nothing like American sitcoms to take your mind off things!
6. Thoughts of maybe moving abroad someday
7. Taking things one step at a time
8. Taking control of what I can control and trying not to think about the rest
9. Putting things into perspective (I always try to do this, doesn't always work but it's good to try).
10. Not being bitter. This has actually surprised me but it's the truth. I thought I would want to punch anyone that looks happy but actually I'm seeing the beauty in all relationships and secretly hoping that everyone around me will get married. Of course I hope that my ex will die a slow and painful death.. just kidding! I genuinely want him to be happy too, I really really do.
It's interesting really and perhaps a sign of how I've matured over the years, or perhaps a sign that the relationship we had was a good one and it just didn't work out as some things don't. Naturally I'm not hoping that he gets married any time soon.. but I want him to be happy.
Okay so tomorrow I need to get up early and clean my car (yeah right!) and go and paint my cupboard (not a metaphor) and sort out some paperwork and posters. Then I'm going for lunch with some friends and then I really really need to do some preparatory work, which doesn't leave much time for facebook and comedy central... hmmmmm....
At least is also doesn't leave much time for thinking and moping! There is some charm in that!
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