Yup, you guessed it - I did not do any work, nor any painting today. After seeing my ex and the kids I changed from my 'I'm getting over you' pants into my 'I'm going to spend the whole day on the sofa' pants and cried for half an hour. It was wonderful and heartbreaking to see them. They obviously miss me too and there was lots of hugging (me and the kids - not me and the ex, how weird would that have been?!) It was worth it though, even if it did set me back as predicted and even if I did turn to scrubs, the gilmore girls, two and a half men and even will and grace to help me through it. (Later on I turned to beer and tequila). At times like this I generally tell myself things like 'it's going to be ok' but the truth is, it isn't. No matter what, I'm never going to get to be a part of those kids' lives like I was, in fact it would probably be better if I drifted away and let them forget me. How awkward would it be when my ex gets a new gf if I was still seeing them? (Currently the thought of that is unbearable and I'm pretending that's never going to happen).
It has been a steep learning curve I guess. Relationships are so much bigger when children are involved. I would never be in a relationship with a man that already has kids again. It's too messy and too painful (and very hard work). It does make you think though that you have to be so sure before you make a commitment to someone and have children. I'm not their real mother and I feel the loss of them keenly, imagine how my ex must feel not getting to see them everyday.. No wonder he's messed up.
Anyway enough of the negatives. Onto the positives... I sorted out the joining of a book club. My first meeting with them will be on the 26th Sept and I'm to read 'The end of Mr Y' by Scarlett Thomas. So I am very excited about that. The group meets in the local library, which is not without it's charm, but I must admit I was rather hoping they would meet in the pub. The library seems a bit formal somehow. I do like libraries though and I suppose being surrounded by books will provide a suitable setting.
There was a bit of a thunderstorm tonight - I love thunderstorms. The beauty of nature is revealed in the gathering clouds, the pouring rain and the sudden flashes of brilliant blue/white light. It was slightly disappointing though, I think we just caught the edge of it. I've been hoping for a really good one all summer so fingers crossed as not much of summer left now..
Lie in tomorrow! Not sure how Saturday is any different from all the other days I've had off but I still have a sense of the weekend this weekend. Going out tomorrow night too so need to get some beauty sleep, some alarming dark patches have appeared under my eyes. So to sleep, perchance to dream. Hopefully of thunderstorms :)
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