Everyday I wake up feeling a little stronger. A little more like the old me. Still couldn't avoid tearing up during some very cheesy moment in some very cheesy american thing, but hey - I'm getting used to that now. I have been agonising for the past week about whether or not to get my ex's son a birthday present. He has two kids and whilst I seem to miss my ex less and less every day, I seem to miss them more. Having already been through the separation of their parents it seems like fate has dealt them another cruel hand. Truth be told, having a partner that has kids was hard, but I love them and the little boy is eight so I just wanted to get him something.
Anyway I did get him something today (night vision goggles - a tiny part of me wanted them for myself!). I left it at my ex's house, along with a note saying that if he thought it might be confusing, he could give the kid the present from himself (I hadn't put my name on it). Weirdly a small part of me hoped that's what he would do and I wouldn't hear anymore about it. My sister said she thought it might seem like I was trying to find 'a way back in'. Maybe it did seem like that, but that's not what it was.
I shot myself in the foot though as it turns out, because the little boy was told the present was from me, I received a photo of him wearing the goggles (I haven't seen him for what, three or four weeks? He already looks so different *sob*) and at 9.30am tomorrow morning they will all be arriving as I'm to receive a home made thank you card. It's actually painful how excited I am about seeing the kids. My ex... well let's just say that I'll be up at eight doing hair and makeup... but really I'm dreading seeing him because no doubt it'll put me back to where I was when we broke up. Just texting him has set me back several strong steps that I made forward.
It'll be worth it though - the stark reminder of what I had and what I lost. To be with them for a few precious moments - good relationships with children are a thing of beauty, even if bad relationships with adults often spoil them.
And after they have gone, to prevent myself from feeling the loss all over again, I will go and paint my cupboard and do some work.. grrrr! I WILL NOT collapse on the sofa and watch comedy central all day (I'll save that for Saturday).
I did make enquiries into joining a book club tonight. I've wanted to go to one for aaaages and seeing as the name of the game at the moment is to distract myself by having very little free time, it seems like a good move. I'm quite excited - I loved doing English A-level, when we got to pick apart texts and divine what the author meant by this that and the other metaphor. I also think a book group would be full of charm and intrigue.. I bet there's some right characters that go to them! Perfect way to take my mind off things!
Well I guess I should sleep.. nothing says 'I'm not over you' like big dark circles under the eyes! Fingers crossed I survive - if I can get through this, I can do anything.
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